The Mental Load of Motherhood and 6 Ways to Lessen it

Can we just talk about the mental load of being a mother? Keeping track of appointments, ordering dog food, keeping vitamins stocks in the house, changing the sheets, replacing the toilet paper. Gosh, the list is endless. These are things that typically wouldn't get completed if women weren't around to remind, and lets be honest, sometimes nag #guilty. Why is it that all these mundane tasks are assumed to fall onto the women in the relationship unless discussed otherwise? Why is the mental load even a conversation that women NEED to have with their partners? Why didn't their mothers teach and train them how to divide and conquer?

Let me paint a picture. You were up most of the night with your baby. Your partner tells you that you can sleep in while they get up with the older kids. But when you wake up and notice that hardly anything is done, aside from the basic feeding and pottying that the kids mostly dictate, it begs the question of whether or not that extra sleep was worth the stress of having to rush to get out the door on time and end up arriving late once again. After all, if you had got up with the kids earlier, you would have had them dressed, hair styled, snacks packed--but for some reason, that is not always common sense for your partners. And WHY is that? Why is something that seems so rudimentary cause so much stress in a relationship?

Why is it necessary to check in to see if the dog has been fed when you have allocated that task already? Why is it your job to put away the food that your partner left out? Why is it your job to clean up the drink cans from the night before? The list goes on. As does my ADHD brain that never shuts off. There is always something that needs to be done.

If you are encountering similar problems in your household as mentioned above, here are some things I am practicing in order to share in the mental load:

1) Get everything out of your head and into a system. The major stress from carrying the mental load is REMEMBERING. Say it with me. REMEMBERING. Use one place and only one place to put everything i.e. calendar, planner, shared note or Google Doc. This will house all the appointments, pick-ups, no school days, grocery needs, etc. If you write it down, it will no longer be something that YOU and ONLY YOU need to carry.

2) Stop being the project manager of everyone else. Delegation only works and alleviates the load if you don't supervise. Instead of asking for help, you assign and let them know to do it their own way. For example, instead of asking them if they could prepare the school lunches instead say, "you handle packing the school lunches and whatever you pack is fine." This way, you don't have to decide what to put into the lunches.

3) Create default decisions. Decision fatigue is such a large aspect of the mental load. It is especially brutal postpartum when hormones and sleep deprivation are high. Reduce choices in aspects of your life such as rotating 5 dinners, setting uniforms for the kids, having specific days for laundry, errands, eating out, etc.  The average adult makes 35,000 decisions every day and for moms, this is even higher. Fewer decisions = lighter brain.

4) Say the invisible work OUT LOUD. The mental load shrinks when it's acknowledged and shared. For example, say what things you are tracking such as appointments, school emails, diaper inventory, etc. This makes the invisible load visible and opens the door to redistribute it.

5) Let go of the standards that don't actually matter. Ask yourself questions such as "Does this make life meaningfully better?" or "Am I doing it because I feel like I should?" A perfect example of this is birthday parties or holidays. There are people that you can hire to help, or you can host the birthday party at a park with a few goodies from Costco to make it low budget and fun, or for holidays, you don't have to 'offer' to cook or host. I have done McDonalds for Thanksgiving or even Chinese food for Christmas and let me tell you, those are some of my fondest memories. The fastest way to reduce the mental load is deciding what you are no longer responsible for.

6) Let people fail and don't rescue them. Mental load stays high when you silently fix things. If someone forgets socks or snacks or permission slips, let the consequence happen. It is not your job to be the back-up brain for the household.

And yes, of course communicating with your partner is key but even though it's cliche, sometimes actions speak louder than words. Comment below what you plan to try or if you have any other ideas that have worked for sharing the mental load!